Thursday, October 23, 2014

SPECIAL REPORT: West Midlands Butterfly Denies Causing Hurricane

life's been chaotic since revelations emergedby NewsBiscuit:

A butterfly from the Black Country has angrily denied being the cause of Hurricane Gonzalo, the tail end of which battered much of the UK this week.

This all came after meteorologists, using cutting-edge computer modelling, traced the origins of the hurricane back to the single flap of a butterfly’s wings three weeks last Tuesday in a field outside Walsall.

‘It was mental,’ said Red Admiral Roger Bould. ‘I was just fluttering about, as you do, when these boffins turn up and say that I set off a chain of events that caused devastation from Bermuda to Grimsby'.

'Next thing I know, Sky News are reversing their outside broadcast lorries into the field and I’m being accused of everything from hurricanes and typhoons to the next James Blunt album. What am I meant to do, sit watching Channel 4 racing all afternoon and not flapping my wings just in case things go abdomen-up in Australia?’

Bould is actually no stranger to controversy. In April, a Wednesbury housewife had accused him of being a ‘very hungry caterpillar’ who over the course of a single week infiltrated her house then ate one apple, two pears, three plums, four strawberries, five oranges, one piece of chocolate cake, one ice-cream cone, one pickle, one slice of Swiss cheese, one slice of salami, one lollipop, one piece of cherry pie, one sausage, one cupcake and one watermelon before being sick over her collection of pottery ducks. He categorically denied the charge and was released after she failed to pick him out of an identity parade.

After news of the story spread, an angry mob descended upon the meadow where Bould and his family lived. He alleges that a big crowd chased him up and down the field screaming that it was my fault their garage roofs had blown off and that their insurance premiums would be going up.

‘I didn’t feel safe until that Kate Humble turned up and pointed out that I wouldn’t be around much longer anyway,’ said Bould. ‘Apparently I’m toast come the first cold snap. I can’t say that cheered me up any but she does have a lovely manner. I know I’m a butterfly and everything but I would, know what I mean?’

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